Fried-Day Mailbag; Dear Doc Dan, Stop Bringing Me Down!!!!

Fried-Day, Fried-Day - Fried Day is my favorite day (of the work week). Hello Blog-O-Ronies, and guess what day it is? In India it's फ्रिदय.

Well, let's get to the old mailbag and see what we've got. By the way, send your questions, no matter how stupid, ignorant or inane to:
                            
                             Secret Lair
                             Somewhere in the South Pacific
                             c/o Doc Dan

Dear Doc Dan,

Why are you always bringing me down with talk of the end of the world and pictures of mushroom clouds and skeletons? I'm just a normal guy, living day to day, trying to make ends meet. Stop raining on my parade!

Signed, Charlie Frost

Dear Charlie,

Glad you asked Chaz. Let me put it this way. If we were driving in a car at night down a lonely stretch of road and I knew that the bridge a mile ahead was washed out and no longer there, would you want to know what lay ahead on the road before you or would you wanna find out for yourself, all of a sudden?

In other words, I'm just the lonely Indian (American) out here, warning the ignorant settlers that the weather signs are predicting a severe winter; so get prepared.

You don't have to believe me. I mean, just because the world's billionaires are attempting a secret plan to control rampant over-population because the government doesn't have the balls to do it because it might ruin re-election for them, just because the world contains enough nukes to blast all of us to hell and back again a thousand times and now contains groups of people who actually WANT to use them, just because fresh drinking water is growing short in Africa, pushing that continent to the brink of all out war, just because North and South Korea are rattling nuclear sabers, just because birds, frogs, bats and bees are disappearing with no clues of why, just because the world has run out of money to support the masses on welfare, just because Islam and terrorism are running rampant, just because Mexican drug lords basically control our government (why else the huge government hub-bub over a simple Arizona Illegal alien law?) and the cartels DEFINITELY control our southern border, just because your state has run out of  money to fund parks, medical clinics, schools, roads, transportation, clean water and sewers, just because unemployment is at 10% and shows little signs of recovery, just because banks and major corporations are still on the verge of complete collapse, that's no reason to think that the times might be 'a changin', is it?

I mean really, go out and buy three more big screen TV's made in China and a few cars made in Japan. That'll help stimulate our economy. Buy a bigger house and a few boats too while you're at it. Spend, spend, spend your way out of debt just in time for all of George Bush's tax breaks to expire. Next year at tax time? Uncle Obama's gonna show you why he ran as a democrat.

So yeah, I'm a downer on the immediate future. But you know what? I'm bullish on the far away future. I can't wait for the dead weight of the welfare state to die on the vine. I can't wait for people to snap out of their materialistic coma and realize that life is about survival for the future, not window treatments, dress shoes and gizmos.

The world is changing. Get ready to let go of the old so that you can grab on to the new with both hands. And don't worry, I will be right here beside you as always, telling you what's real and what's stupid. So have no fear, Doc Dan is here!

See you tomorrow, when we'll share "WHAT WE LURNED THIS WEEK" and have a GFD Blog-Fathers.

The coming Population Wars: A 12-bomb equation

Can Gates' Billionaires Club stop these inevitable self-destruct triggers?

By Paul B. Farrell, MarketWatch

ARROYO GRANDE, Calif. (MarketWatch) -- So what's the biggest time-bomb for Obama, America, capitalism, the world? No, not global warming. Not poverty. Not even peak oil. What is the absolute biggest issue that'll throw a wrench in global economic growth, ending capitalism, and even destroy modern civilization?

The world's biggest time-bomb? Overpopulation, say the billionaires. Bill Gates called billionaire philanthropists to a super-secret meeting in Manhattan last May. Included: Buffett, Rockefeller, Soros, Bloomberg, Turner, Oprah and others meeting at the "home of Sir Paul Nurse, a British Nobel prize biochemist and president of the private Rockefeller University, in Manhattan," reports John Harlow in the London TimesOnline. During an afternoon session each was "given 15 minutes to present their favorite cause. Over dinner they discussed how they might settle on an 'umbrella cause' that could harness their interests."

And yet, global governments with their $50 trillion GDP, aren't even trying to solve the world's overpopulation problem. G-20 leaders ignore it. So by 2050 the Earth's population will explode by almost 50%, from 6.6 billion today to 9.3 billion says the United Nations.

And what about those billionaires and their billions? Can they stop the trend? Sadly no. Only a major crisis, a global catastrophe, a collapse beyond anything prior in world history will do it. Here's why:

"One of the disturbing facts of history is that so many civilizations collapse," warns Jared Diamond, an environmental biologist, Pulitzer prize winner and author of "Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed." Many "civilizations share a sharp curve of decline. Indeed, a society's demise may begin only a decade or two after it reaches its peak population, wealth and power."

Other voices are darker still: "We're past the point of no return." "It's already too late." "The end is near." As with Rome's collapse, it happens fast. Clueless leaders are caught off-guard, like Greenspan, Bernanke and Paulson a couple years ago.

Call it "WWIII: The Population Wars." A few years ago Fortune analyzed a classified Pentagon report predicting that "climate could change radically and fast. That would be the mother of all national security issues" Population unrest would then create "massive droughts, turning farmland into dust bowls and forests to ashes." And "by 2020 there is little doubt that something drastic is happening ... an old pattern could emerge; warfare defining human life." War will be the end-game: For capitalism, civilization, earth.

Diamond's 12-part equation is very simple. It fits perfectly with a global warfare scenario: "More people require more food, space, water, energy, and other resources ... There is a long built-in momentum to human population growth called the 'demographic bulge' with a disproportionate number of children and young reproductive-age people." And if the "bulge" stops for any reason, game over. Economic "growth" ends, killing capitalism.

So look closely: Diamond's equation has 12 time-bombs. But note, the first two are the biggest triggers in the formula. The other 10 are derivative variables..."

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THE SECOND PART OF THIS FASCINATING ARTICLE ON "END OF THE WORLD WEDNESDAY!"

Hope to see you then, if we're still here...

Johnny Cash Attacked By Ostrich While Chimps Have Oral Sex?

Hey-ohhh Fellow Bloggists,

It's Saturday and you know what that means. Time to recap the week and share "What We Lurned". This week involves some riveting stories that both involve wild animals from Africa so let's get to it.

The first thing I learned this week is that, although I thought I knew all about Johnny "The Man In Black" Cash,  I somehow missed this strange story that found him lying on the side of a dirt road, gutted like a salmon in the paws of a Grizzly bear.

The story goes thus; In 1983, Johnny was staying at a ranch in Tennessee where he kept various unique animals for a petting zoo. The ranch also contained an ostrich with a seemingly bad temper. As Cash walked down the road, the ostrich stood in his way, blocking his path.

The country crooner picked up a stick to poke the ostrich and shoo him away but the ostrich had other plans. Spreading its wings, it kicked Cash, striking him in the abdomen with its six inch middle claw, which opened him up like a can of sardines. The only thing that kept him from being completely gutted was his belt buckle which stopped the ostrich's talon from going any lower. The belt literally kept his innards from spilling out onto the road until help could arrive. Upon interview, the ostrich's only comment was, "I saw nothing!"

The story doesn't end there. Cash who had gotten himself clean and sober after a career filled with so many drugs, he made Elvis look like a rank amateur, needed pain pills to recover from his ghastly injury. Once again, because of this ostrich, Cash became addicted to pain meds and found himself fighting the fight that had taken him so long to win in the first place. It was not any easier to overcome the second time around.

Rumor says that the same year at the Cash family Thanksgiving, the main course was something other than turkey.

The second thing I lurned this week is that Bonobo Chimpanzees are the only other primate besides humans that engage in oral sex. Not only do the horny little chimps engage in sex simply for pleasure, the females also engage in acts of lesbianism.

After hearing this fact, televangelist Pat Robertson railed, "If there is a monkey hell, these little perverts will surely burn in God's righteous flames!"

A spokesperson for the chimps was quoted as saying, "Pat Robertson can suck it!"

So there you go. Two things I lurned this week, which proves that if you keep your eyes open, there's no telling what great facts you can lurn that will change your life for the better.

Have a GF weekend and be sure to act like a Bonobo Chimpanzee if you get the chance.

It's Time For The Fried-day Mailbag!!!

Wazzup Blog-o-maniacs?

It's Fried-day peeps! Time for you to do as little as possible at work to prepare yourself for the most important two days of your week!

And me? Well, I'm no different. Right now I'm tipping back a cold one at my secret lair in the South Pacific, ready to open up the old mail bag.

A great question this week will be answered in more detail than you'll ever want to hear, so let's get to it.

Dear Doc Dan,

In your Monday blog, you mentioned a song called "King of Anything" and asserted that it was a "man hating" song. I listened to it and I disagree. It only mentions a woman who disagrees with a man who's trying to "save" her when she doesn't want to be. What is your definition of a "man-haitng" song?     Signed, Sharon in Omaha

Well Sharon, I'm glad you asked that question. The number of "man hating" songs on the airwaves has grown exponentially since record companies discovered that almost 75% of all pop and country music is purchased by...  females. With the exception of rap music (and that's a HUGE exception) "man-hating" music is all the rage these days.

My definition of man-hating music is simply this; if you changed the gender of the song, would the song still be deemed appropriate for all listeners? So let's do a little switcher-oo and see what we come up with.

For example: King of Anything -

You've got opinions, woman, we're all entitled to 'em.
But I never asked.

So let me thank you for your time and try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast.

I hate to break it to you babe but I'm not drowning.
There's no one here to save.

Who cares if you disagree. You are not me.
Who made you queen of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died, and made you queen of anything?

While this song may be seen only as mildly annoying to the average woman, it's highly disrespectful and it would definitely NEVER sell records in the music biz if sung by a man unless it was interpreted as a complete joke.

Try some more song lyrics in reverse;

...he held Willie's hand as they worked out a plan
And it didn't take 'em long to decide... that girl had to die

Goodbye, girl, those black eyed peas
They tasted alright to me girl. You're feelin' weak?
Why don't you lay down and sleep, girl
Ain't it dark, wrapped up in that tarp, girl?

...Now They sell Tennessee ham and strawberry jam

And they don't lose any sleep at night... cause that girl had to die

Goodbye girl.  We need a break.
Lets go out to the lake, girl.  We'll pack a lunch
And stuff you in the trunk girl, well, is that alright?
Good, let's go for a ride, girl, Well, hey, hey, hey...    

Or how bout this doozy?


Her fist is big but my gun's bigger
She'll find out when I pull the trigger

I'm goin' home, gonna load my shotgun
Wait by the door and light a cigarette.
If she wants a fight well now she's got one
And she ain't seen me crazy yet.
She slapped my face and shook me like a rag doll
Don't that sound like a real woman.
I'm going to show her what little boys are made of
Gunpowder and lead...


And lastly, the Carrie Underwood classic...


I might've saved a little trouble for the next guy,
Cause the next time that she cheats...
Oh, you know it won't be on me!

'Cause I dug my key into the side of her pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into her leather seats...
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
Maybe next time she'll think before she cheats...


Now I'm sorry, but as funny as some of these lyrics sound, they all come across as a little creepy and psychotic. So when did it become OK for women to be creepy and psychotic? Is it considered "all in good fun" to sing about murdering a man or destroying his personal property? Can you women feel my annoyance over this trend? 


While the man-pussy Keith Urban is whining out songs like, "Tonight I'm gonna cry..." The Wreckers (awesome name for a female group by the way) are belting out to their man, "It's alright, I'll be fine, don't worry 'bout this heart of mine, just take your love and hit the road..."


What's driving this trend? Money of course. 


So the next time you're in a karaoke bar and hear these man-hating songs being utterly destroyed by four drunken girls at a bachelorette party, don't blame some guy if he gets up and sings some Eminem for equal hate time,


"You can't run from me Kim, It's just us, nobody else!
You're only making this harder on yourself
Ha! Ha! Got'cha! Ha! Go ahead yell!
Here I'll scream with you! AH SOMEBODY HELP!
Don't you get it bitch? no one can hear you!
Now shut the fuck up and get what's comin' to you
You were supposed to love me
{*Kim choking*}
NOW BLEED! BITCH BLEED!
BLEED! BITCH BLEED! BLEED!"


How does that song make you feel girls? As you can see, playing hate games with men isn't always the smartest contest to join in on. Most men are much better at it than any woman could ever imagine, let alone, sing about. 


So whudda ya say girls, man-hating, woman hating? Hey, I got a better idea. Can't we all just get along?


See you Saturday when we'll all discuss "What We Lurned This Week." Have a GFD Blog-o-holics and keep those questions coming!

IT’S “END OF THE WORLD WEDNESDAY”!!!

As many of you know, I am intrigued by the aspect of the end of the world as we know it and what’s waiting on the other side. Why am I so intrigued? Because it’s happening right before our very eyes and most of you are too caught up in your gadgets, car payments, yard work, job deadlines and reality TV to even notice!

I talk to folks all the time and bring up topics like, “Hey, isn’t it awesome how the world economy is running out of money, nature is collapsing and technology has enabled tiny fanatical groups to bring about doomsday right before our very eyes all at the same time?”  The typical response is, “Screw that! You know what’s awesome? The Cheap Beer Finder app on my IPhone! Now that’s awesome!”

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not predicting the end of the world. I am only predicting the end of the world as we know it. Big difference.

As proof, this week I bring up a documentary I viewed on The Discovery Channel entitled "Pig Bomb". What is the Pig Bomb? The pig bomb is an end of the world doomsday epidemic scenario involving the exploding wild pig population in the southern U.S. and Europe.

I'm sorry, but this particular doomsday scenario is just too fraught with great material to ignore. Now wild pigs are no joke. They have razor sharp teeth, can run 30 MPH and can reach 400 pounds on average. If you're ever attacked by a wild pig and find yourself unarmed, the final score is gonna be: Pig - 1, You - 0.

But if human kind is ever going to be over-run by something, I couldn't think of anything better to be invaded by than 400 pounds of sausage links, ham and bacon on the hoof.

The problem down south is that complete townships and counties are literally being flooded in wild pigs. They can't  kill 'em fast enough. According to the commentator, "It's an all out war, and humans are not winning." Cue theme song from "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes".

The piggy population has grown from 2 million to 6 million and there's no end in sight. They are highly invasive, destroy crops and breed like rabbits. The commentator again, "Is this a glimpse of our pig dominated future?" 

In one story, a college student was chased across the campus Quad and barely made it inside the dorm hall before becoming Miss Piggy's lunch. Another monster pig, dubbed "Hog-zilla" was hunted down and had to be shot 13 times before he died. He weighed in at 1100 pounds. There is an unsubstantiated rumor that Rosie O'Donnell has not been seen since the shooting.

Now in my opinion, this scenario could only happen down south. In my experience in working with southern folk, they can be a little on the laid back side. At worst you might call many of them downright lazy. 

Example; many of the areas destroyed by Hurricane Katrina still lay devastated by trees, garbage and debris simply because Bobby Joe and family are too busy fishing to clear the oak tree out of the living room. Many others, rather than rolling up their shirt sleeves and getting to work, are still waiting around on that damned FEMA to send 'em some aid and rebuild their town. In the meantime, they're gonna tip back some cold ones and play the slide guitar on the 10% of the front porch that's still standing. 

As living proof of my assertion, one of the victims featured on this documentary hailed from Louisiana. I believe his name was Cletus Joe Jackson, and he told this story. "One a them thar wild hogs broked through the screen door and walked into muh livin' room lookin' for sumpin' ta eat. I stamped muh foot to scare 'im off but he turnt around and attacked me instead. I was a feered for muh life."

OK, so let me get this straight, a wild pig breaks down your door, saunters into your living room, and the only thing you can muster up the energy to do is stamp your feet? What was the problem, was the damn thing interrupting a lost episode of "Hee Haw"? I can't imagine anything like this happening in Cleveland. Detroit, maybe.

They say they're trying their best to hunt them down but the southern authorities assert that the pigs can only be hunted at night when they come out of the brush. Oh my God! Wouldn't want to have to go into the brush after them with a couple of semi-automatic shotguns, maybe a few .458 SoComs and some hunting dogs or anything like that. Good God, might prove to be a little too tedious. Sounds like work to me.

Look, we white men exterminated the buffalo with very little problem whatsoever and I'm sure the answer to this southern problem will (once again) have to come from the north. Why don't y'all open up a year long hunting season, let the hunters keep all the pork they want, kill as many pigs as possible and let the unclaimed carcasses rot for all we care. Wild pig killing could become great sport for family get-togethers, corporate outings, picnics, motivational seminars and reality TV.

Better yet, stop selling bacon made from farm raised pork and tell all the fat ass Yankees up here, "You're gonna have to go down south and kill breakfast for yourself!"

I can see an entire army made up of thousands of 300 pound northern white men huffing and puffing through the woods, carrying pitchforks, butcher knives, egg beaters, whatever in search of their next sausage link. God help those poor wild hogs. They wouldn't stand a chance. The only problem with this scenario is stopping the feeding frenzy before the entire population of pigs is completely wiped from the face of the earth.

Back to the documentary. Commentator again, "It could be that someday, this will be a pig's world and we just live in it."

Highly doubtful. Not as long as Wendy's keeps making the Bacon-ater burger and Denny's is still serving up $2.99 Grand Slams with "Moons Over My Hammie". Wild hogs beware. We're hungry, we have guns and we're coming to getcha!

Have a GFD Facebook people!

An Original Thought!!!

"DAN! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??!!"

"Ahhhh, such questions.....  I mean, honestly... I really don't know!" That's what my inner voice was saying immediately after my friend asked me such a dangerous and loaded question.

Her original dilemma? Like most of us single people, she was lonely. Her problem was that she couldn't bring herself to embrace the loneliness. Being extremely beautiful, she had collected a man on every corner but not a good one in sight. I mean, one bad man is enough to ruin anyone's life, but four or five?

Some people are addicted to drama, others just don't know enough about themselves to avoid it. Either way, drama, although often interesting and good for an adrenaline rush, like crack cocaine, always proves to be destructive to long term life success in the end.

Do you know what the cure is for too much destructive drama in your life? It's very simple. I like to call it, "Minding your own business." Withdraw from the playing field and take care of you. Get back to the basics of living, period. Don't answer the phone, don't butt in where you're not wanted, stop seeking out more friends and relationships. Focus on YOU.

I really care for this woman as a friend so I was meditating on her problem while driving back from Tacoma, when all of a sudden, it hit me like a lightening bolt. It's amazing what your mind can do when you turn off the TV, the radio, the internet, the voices, the IPhone, etc., etc., etc....

The problem with most all of us is this. We believe that loneliness, because it's uncomfortable and somewhat painful, is a bad thing.

WE ARE WRONG.

Loneliness serves great purpose in our life. First, it gives us the gift of TIME. Time is the most precious resource we could ever garner. You could attain all the money in the world, but without TIME to enjoy it, the average street bum is richer than you.

Loneliness gives us time to work on our own self, our own inner flaws, weaknesses and blind spots. I do most of my best writing, thinking and life planning in the midst of loneliness. It's almost impossible to receive these personal gifts to our own soul if we're constantly surrounded by the barrage of daily drama and the never ending voices that muddy our psychic waters.

Secondly, loneliness (and here's my original thought) gives birth to THANKFULNESS. When we are lonely, any helping hand is much appreciated. Any phone call from a formerly annoying relative or friend is now a welcome oasis in our day. Thankfulness is the one state of mind that leads to blessing, prosperity and above all, joy of life.

In the middle of my loneliness I sometimes imagine the partner who's waiting out there to make myself something more than I can possibly be alone. And do you know what? My thankfulness when I find her is going to equate into one appreciated, much loved and immensely spoiled bitch!

So my thought for today is, "Let's hear it for loneliness!" Some gifts from the universe are refused because we don't recognize them as such. Let's take some time today to open our eyes to ALL that life provides us with. GOOD is not always good for us, and BAD is not always bad for us. Let's make sure we can gain the wisdom to understand the difference.

Music Monday!!! OWWWW!!!

Wassup Blog-topuses?

It's Music Monday because for many of you (you with bad attitudes), Mondays suck and you need some music to get you through it. Well, I'm here for you Blog-ettes because hey, how are we going to take over the world together if I'm only getting 3 days of work out of you? Yeah, I KNOW you ain't worth a damn on Friday either!

So let's get up and get musical-ized so you can get some real work done, because an army of unemployed dead-beats is really not what I'm looking for in my world takeover plans (besides, I've already got that area covered).

This week, I've listed three groovy new songs for your listening pleasure and am featuring the "Dumb Ass Song Lyric of the Week". So let's get started...

The new music (new for me) is all mellower, folksy pop stuff I've been listening to lately. Since I've started playing acoustic guitar, I've really grown an appreciation for lyric driven music. It's extremely difficult to keep an audience's attention with just one or two instruments, a different kind of challenge than the arena rock I grew up worshiping where lyrics just didn't matter because they couldn't be heard anyway! Mellow as these songs are, I want to reassure you that I've got Iron Maiden's POWER SLAVE in my truck's CD player right now, so don't think I've gone completely soft...

Here are my WEEKLY 3;

Alpha Rev - "New Morning" - Love this song and everything it stands for -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5f94spB6C4 


Sara Bareilles - "King of Anything"  - I HATE man hating songs but Sara "I'm not gonna write you a love song" Bareilles' new track (album released in August) is musically interesting, quirky and smart. I hate to like it but I do. Problem is, this song will most likely be so overplayed in the next 3 months that I really WILL start to hate it in no time at all (kind of like Jason Mraz and Train).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR7-AUmiNcA


Ray LaMantagne - "Beg, Steal or Borrow" - Hits the nail on the head of my heart. Sometimes I feel so alone in my thinking, it feels like I'm the only one on the planet who feels this way. Not to put down old friends in any way, shape or form but sometimes we just think in such different worlds. Glad to know I'm not alone in mine...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6a_1R3w5i4 

All three of these groovy songs are worthy of a Monday listen and now... for the main event...

The Dumb-Ass Song Lyric of the Week!!!

This week's dumb ass song lyric goes to Joan Jett's, "I Love Rock and Roll". I was listening to this on the radio the other day and it just dawned on me, how would this song work out in real life? Well, here it is;

"He smiled, so I got up and asked for his name.
"That don't matter," he said, "Cuz it's all the same"
Said, "Can I take you home? Where we can be alone?"


OK, what have we got here? A woman (with a HUGE lesbian following) sees a boy dancing (with himself? Gay Alarm!!!). He smiles at her so she gets up and asks him his name.

Now we've already got a problem because this certain scenario might take place about one time in 10,000 evenings on the town. The lyric should've been, "He smiled, He got up, asked me MY name, bought me an over-priced, watered down drink, made me laugh, passed my 25 point mental check list, didn't mind the fact that I was 30 pounds over-weight, and told me he was a doctor/attorney/business owner/professional athlete or inherited a fortune from his deceased aunt, so I decided right then and there that he MIGHT be worthy of buying me a second drink."

But enough of my bitter ranting, we need to move on. She asks for his name and he comes up with this jewel, "That don't matter, cuz it's all the same."

Huh?

If I were Joan (and thank God I'm not) this response would force me to ask the following question, "Boy, how much crack did you smoke before you went out to the club?" What would this conversation even sound like? "Hi, I'm Joan. What's your name?" 

"That don't matter cuz it's all the same."

Besides the terrible abuse of the English language, the question still remains, "WHAT'S all the same?" What is this IT that you speak of? All names are the same? All bars are the same? All conversations are the same?  Or maybe I was just looking for any phrase that rhymed with NAME? Or maybe MY name doesn't matter because I just came in here tonight looking to screw an over-the-hill, has been, lesbian?

Anyway, Joan responds to the object of her middle age lust with this absolutely STELLAR pick up line and offer, "Can I take you home? Where we can be alone."

WARNING!!! WARNING!!! WARNING!!! This is absolute fantasy right here. I would say that the Vegas odds of this actually occurring anywhere outside of Penthouse Forum are about 10,000 to "what the hell are you talking about?".

And the girl who might actually USE this line after you've only uttered one sentence? Are you gonna follow her home? If you make it back to her place without getting a DUI, do you really even wanna wake up the next morning? My advice would be to go home with her, hit yourself in the face with a wine bottle (preferably a full one) until you can't think straight, sleep with her and then take a cyanide tablet because most likely, you're gonna wish you were dead when the sun comes up anyway.

But not in this song! No freaking way!  What happens next in this modern tale of romance and how I met your mother? Well, you know the song, sing the rest for yourself. Somehow, this whole unbelievable story works out  because it's all in some way connected to the fact that SHE LOVES ROCK-N-ROLL!!!

And the "OWWWWW!!!" part of the song? That's most likely that burning sensation that comes from going home with random strangers who use crappy pick-up lines and can barely speak English. A lesson learned the hard way and probably the main reason that Joan now has such a huge lesbian fan base (not that there's anything wrong with that).

And now you know... the rest of the story.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0ZicY7Oqmg

HAVE A GF MONDAY BLOG-CICLES and keep lovin' that Rock-N-Roll!!!  OWWWW!!!

WHAT DID YOU LURN THIS WEEK?

Hey Hey Blog-Zilla's,

It's Saturday! Welcome to the LAST day of the week. It's time to share what I lurned this week and if you please, you can share something you lurned this week back at me. I think we should ALWAYS be striving to learn, no matter our age, sex or stupidity level.

I know that many of you out there, charming and intelligent as you are, may believe that Saturday is the second to the last day of the week, but, HA! If you believe that, guess what? Not only are you a stupid loser, you lurned something new this week.

Saturday is the last day of the week, recognized as the Sabbath by many religions, or the day God rested when he created the earth and invented the game of golf. Sunday is actually the FIRST day of the week, even though many religions use it as their special day set aside for worship. Speaking of religion, the word HOLY, means "set apart from the norm", thus the term Holi-day, or a day set apart from the rest of the normal days.

So what did I lurn this week? As you may have already guessed, I lurned about the names and history of our days of the week. Exciting crap huh??!! Well maybe I'm getting old, but I think it's extremely interesting crap. This is vital information if you should ever find yourself trapped on Jeopardy or want to make some easy money off a bar room bet.

So listen up you weekday ignoramuses, here's the skinny on how our English days of the week got their names.

Most of the English days were named after Roman gods. The reason they named days after gods is because cars had not yet been invented, so they had yet to think of giving the best parking spot for a "god of the week" honor. I'm sure the gods were still flattered.

Then in 400 AD, those Norwegians from hell, The Original Gangstas from the north, better known as The Vikings, invaded England (insert Robert Plant vocal here - Ah Ah Ah-- AHHH!!!). If you don't get the Robert plant reference, Google Led Zeppelin's "The Immigrant Song" and then you can also lurn this week what kick ass  music sounds like. For extra credit, after listening to the Led Zep classic, immediately put on something from Justin Bieber and see if you suddenly begin fighting a severe urge to stab yourself in the throat with a fork. But I digress.

One of the first things The Sons of Norway of Death changed up were the names of the days. Why? Because our gods kicked your god's asses so why have days named after loser gods?

However, the first two days of the week were named after heavenly bodies. Can you guess what they are? Yes that's correct, the days are ScarlettJohansenday and  JessicaBielday.

That's not entirely true.

Obviously, the first day of the week is named Sunday, after the fourth most important object on planet earth. Number one being dirt, number two being water and number three being myself (although discussions are still taking place over whether or not I'm more important to the earth than water).

So the sun has its day but hey, where's the Moon's day? If you're not a complete idiot, you may have guessed already that Moonday is the day named after the moon (insert The Mamas and Papas lyric here). Why they don't have star day, asteroid day or black hole day, I don't know. I didn't lurn that.

Now we get to the Vikings influence. Their god of war was name Tiw. The second workday of the week had already been named for the Roman god of war, Martius or Mars (notice in French, Italian, and Spanish - the word for Tuesday is still named for the Roman God - Mardi, Martedi, and Martes. But The Purple People Eaters changed the name to Tiw's day in England. Another reason they changed the name was because the Lynard Skynard song "Tuesday's Gone" made absolutely no sense whatsoever until the Viking name change took effect.

Why is Wednesday spelled so weirdly? Is it the fault of the French? Sorry, I like blaming them too, but no. The Viking head of all the gods was named Woden or Odin, thus the strange D in Woden'sday. On another note, I personally pronounce hump day as Wed-ness-day, but I digress again.

Thursday is named for the god of thunder (no, not Gene Simmons, although you may insert Kiss lyric here) whose name is this god? Survey says??!! Thor. Thor is also known as the god of female...  ummmm... pleasure, since he has that gorgeous blonde hair, smoking hot bod and commanding presence but that's another subject altogether. Why isn't it spelled Thor'sday? I have no clue.

 Friday is named for Woden's old lady, Frigga. She was also famous for inventing the term friggan, which takes the place of the F word in a sentence, such as "Pass the friggan salt before I punch you in the friggan throat with a fork." Friday is also a holy day for Muslim countries, much like Sunday is for Christians. It's important that you learn this since Muslim's will rule the entire planet in less than a decade.

Saturday is the only Roman named day to survive and is named after Saturn, the god of the harvest. The Roman god also started a car company and named one of the our solar system's planets; Jupiter.

So there you go. Now you lurned something new this week. You lurned what I lurned. Am I happy to pass along this vital and life changing info? Of course! In fact, I'm so happy to share it that I'm sending you a bill today for $19.95 in the mail. Well, it's too late to do it today. Guess I'll have to wait till Moonday.

Have a GFD Blog-O-Maniacs

Fried-Day Is Upon Us!

Welcome Back Kloggers!

It has come to my attention that it is Fried-Day, that day where, after a hard four days of labor, you do nothing but waste your employers' time, play games on company computers, take more frequent and longer breaks and generally destroy the entire afternoon in a Xanax-induced day dream concerning just how wasted you will  allow yourself to become tonight.

Well I've got some news for all you "workers" out there. It's my damn Fried-Day too! But does your day-dreaming, already semi wasted mind ever think about cutting me, your lovable Bloggy Bear, a break? Hell no! I have to sit here and do things like; think and write and eat a chocolate covered, creme filled doughnut that was actually meant for my great uncle Phillip, while you people are out there frolicking in your Friday "Free Lunch", wasting time and eating up corporate dollars as if they were a chocolate covered, creme filled doughnut meant for your great uncle Phillip.

So here's how YOUR brand new Blog is going to work. On Fried-Days, and that means EVERY Fried-Day, it's time that YOU take over this Blog. I'm just going to sit back, open up the old e-mail bag and respond to YOUR inquiries, wishes, bitching, questions, etc., etc., etc.

This will also work out well, since mail delivery only comes around once a week to my secret lair. Yes, there are down sides to living in a secret lair, on a tropical island, somewhere in the vast Pacific Ocean. No phone, no lights, no motor cars, not a single luxury...

So let's open up the ol' E-mail bag and see what we have.

Dear Doc Dan,

How can I get a hold of you to write you a letter for Fried-Day?

Signed,

Someone who's pretending to be writing in to Doc Dan but is really just a cheesy construct in order to let others know how to write Doc Dan an e-mail.

Dear SwptbwitDDbirjacciotlokhtwDDae,

It's great to hear from you. Unfortunately, since I am currently holed up in my "Secret Lair" there are only a few ways to get a hold of me at this time. You need to have access to my e-mail or my phone number, join this blog as a follower or run into me at one of the bars I frequent when I'm on the mainland. Currently there are very few people who possess this information (and most of them are dead).

However, I am working on sending all members of this blog either, A) a secret decoder ring or B) an APP that works as a secret decoder ring for the IPhone. Once you are in possession of said ring, then I will send you to the exact location or "realm" where I may be found, whereupon you may write your inquiries to me at will.

So stay tuned Blogg-ettes, soon our plan to take over the world will unfold like a cheap umbrella in a hurricane (and we all know how good FEMA is in reacting to THAT).

See you Saturday, where we will discuss "What We Lurned This Week".

Have a GFD Blog Splitters!

Congratulations, You're The Owner Of Brand New Blog!

Hey Hey Blog-chachos!

Have you ever wanted to yell at useless idiots? Have you at times believed that if only people would listen to your ideas, that the world would be a better place? Have you ever wanted to hide in the confessional of a Catholic Church and tell confessors that they needed to shut the hell up, stop their incessant whining, get a life and then perform 10 trillion Hail Marys?

Well hello! This is that place. Your cyber confessional, your video venting machine, your E-ruptor, if you will. My name is Doc Dan and I have made a solemn vow to God, Mary, Oprah, Toby Keith and all the Saints in New Orleans that I will once and for all, rid humanity of stupid-ness, idiocity, ignorance and the sad, sad lives that go along with such sad, sad words.

But I can't do this alone my cyber cellmates! I need input.  I need feedback. I need your ideas on re-making the world into a place that's free from the fomented folly of  the foolish freeloaders who are wasting our precious air and natural resources. A world that resembles the best of what humanity has to offer. A world that resembles you and me! I was almost able to complete the writing of that last sentence without breaking into spontaneous laughter... almost.

Anyway, This Blog isn't MY Blog, this Blog is YOUR Blog. From California to the New York Islands! From the Redwood Forests to the World Wide Web, this Blog was made for you and me...  And hey, where else are you gonna hear a Woody Guthrie blast like that, but right here? NOWHERE ELSE MY Bee-Logging Bee-otches, NOWHERE ELSE!!!

Five times a week (or maybe even less) I will post my thoughts on relevant subjects of the day, politics, religion, diet fads, dating trends, Hollywood, science, true crime, sports, etc. (especially etc.). Then I will wait with baited breath (breath that smells like worms) for your responses, ideas, input and "wisdom". As my Blogging Superpowers grow, so will your voice! Take that you morbid little moronic mental midgets of mediocrity!

Today, I will start off with this little tidbit from Montana. This is an example of using idiocy in order to achieve your goals, which in my opinion, was a great strategy for this guy right up until the time reality hit him over the head with a dull axe.

I call it, THE MOSES REAL ESTATE INVESTMENT STRATEGY - what do YOU think? Stupidity or simply genius misunderstood? It's your call!


POLSON, Mont. — A Lake County jury convicted a transient of stealing a house in foreclosure by removing "for sale" signs, changing the locks and filing strange paperwork with the county claiming he purchased the house from Yahweh.
 Jurors deliberated for less than an hour Tuesday morning before convicting Brent Arthur Wilson of theft, deceptive practices and tampering with public records or information. He faces up to 30 years in prison when he is sentenced Aug. 19.

Wilson was charged in February after Polson real estate agent Ed McCurdy investigated the removal of "for sale" signs from a $380,000 house he was selling on behalf of a lender in August 2009. Further investigation found Wilson tried to use the house as collateral for a $125,000 loan he sought from a Missoula financial institution.

Prosecutor Jessica Cole-Hodgkinson told the jury Monday that authorities found journals belonging to Wilson that detailed a plan to steal up to 100 homes in foreclosure. Cole-Hodgkinson asked Lake County sheriff's detective Rick Lenz to read several entries from journals.

"The prospect of claiming and fulfilling my 100-title vision is growing stronger," read one. "Took down one of two Realtor signs," says another entry. "The other needs a tool to dig it up." Many of the journal entries appear to be addressed to "the creator, Yahweh."

"Wow. You surely have blessed me with some wonderful opportunities," Lenz read from the journals, which referred to a property with a "million-dollar value" that "seems to be waiting for me to claim it. Wow on wow."

Wow on Wow is correct! I'll even say it backwards, "Wow no Wow!" The only comment I have is, at least he didn't kill all the neighbors and level all their houses as per Yahweh's instructions in the book of Joshua.

What do you think about this new real estate investment strategy? Could a "how-to" book be in the works for Wilson? I'd hate to admit it, but I'd buy it. Only time will tell.

In the meantime, be on the lookout for opportunities to not only observe idiots in action, but to ridicule and make fun of them whenever possible!

Have a GFD fellow Blog-o-holics