IT’S “END OF THE WORLD WEDNESDAY”!!!

As many of you know, I am intrigued by the aspect of the end of the world as we know it and what’s waiting on the other side. Why am I so intrigued? Because it’s happening right before our very eyes and most of you are too caught up in your gadgets, car payments, yard work, job deadlines and reality TV to even notice!

I talk to folks all the time and bring up topics like, “Hey, isn’t it awesome how the world economy is running out of money, nature is collapsing and technology has enabled tiny fanatical groups to bring about doomsday right before our very eyes all at the same time?”  The typical response is, “Screw that! You know what’s awesome? The Cheap Beer Finder app on my IPhone! Now that’s awesome!”

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not predicting the end of the world. I am only predicting the end of the world as we know it. Big difference.

As proof, this week I bring up a documentary I viewed on The Discovery Channel entitled "Pig Bomb". What is the Pig Bomb? The pig bomb is an end of the world doomsday epidemic scenario involving the exploding wild pig population in the southern U.S. and Europe.

I'm sorry, but this particular doomsday scenario is just too fraught with great material to ignore. Now wild pigs are no joke. They have razor sharp teeth, can run 30 MPH and can reach 400 pounds on average. If you're ever attacked by a wild pig and find yourself unarmed, the final score is gonna be: Pig - 1, You - 0.

But if human kind is ever going to be over-run by something, I couldn't think of anything better to be invaded by than 400 pounds of sausage links, ham and bacon on the hoof.

The problem down south is that complete townships and counties are literally being flooded in wild pigs. They can't  kill 'em fast enough. According to the commentator, "It's an all out war, and humans are not winning." Cue theme song from "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes".

The piggy population has grown from 2 million to 6 million and there's no end in sight. They are highly invasive, destroy crops and breed like rabbits. The commentator again, "Is this a glimpse of our pig dominated future?" 

In one story, a college student was chased across the campus Quad and barely made it inside the dorm hall before becoming Miss Piggy's lunch. Another monster pig, dubbed "Hog-zilla" was hunted down and had to be shot 13 times before he died. He weighed in at 1100 pounds. There is an unsubstantiated rumor that Rosie O'Donnell has not been seen since the shooting.

Now in my opinion, this scenario could only happen down south. In my experience in working with southern folk, they can be a little on the laid back side. At worst you might call many of them downright lazy. 

Example; many of the areas destroyed by Hurricane Katrina still lay devastated by trees, garbage and debris simply because Bobby Joe and family are too busy fishing to clear the oak tree out of the living room. Many others, rather than rolling up their shirt sleeves and getting to work, are still waiting around on that damned FEMA to send 'em some aid and rebuild their town. In the meantime, they're gonna tip back some cold ones and play the slide guitar on the 10% of the front porch that's still standing. 

As living proof of my assertion, one of the victims featured on this documentary hailed from Louisiana. I believe his name was Cletus Joe Jackson, and he told this story. "One a them thar wild hogs broked through the screen door and walked into muh livin' room lookin' for sumpin' ta eat. I stamped muh foot to scare 'im off but he turnt around and attacked me instead. I was a feered for muh life."

OK, so let me get this straight, a wild pig breaks down your door, saunters into your living room, and the only thing you can muster up the energy to do is stamp your feet? What was the problem, was the damn thing interrupting a lost episode of "Hee Haw"? I can't imagine anything like this happening in Cleveland. Detroit, maybe.

They say they're trying their best to hunt them down but the southern authorities assert that the pigs can only be hunted at night when they come out of the brush. Oh my God! Wouldn't want to have to go into the brush after them with a couple of semi-automatic shotguns, maybe a few .458 SoComs and some hunting dogs or anything like that. Good God, might prove to be a little too tedious. Sounds like work to me.

Look, we white men exterminated the buffalo with very little problem whatsoever and I'm sure the answer to this southern problem will (once again) have to come from the north. Why don't y'all open up a year long hunting season, let the hunters keep all the pork they want, kill as many pigs as possible and let the unclaimed carcasses rot for all we care. Wild pig killing could become great sport for family get-togethers, corporate outings, picnics, motivational seminars and reality TV.

Better yet, stop selling bacon made from farm raised pork and tell all the fat ass Yankees up here, "You're gonna have to go down south and kill breakfast for yourself!"

I can see an entire army made up of thousands of 300 pound northern white men huffing and puffing through the woods, carrying pitchforks, butcher knives, egg beaters, whatever in search of their next sausage link. God help those poor wild hogs. They wouldn't stand a chance. The only problem with this scenario is stopping the feeding frenzy before the entire population of pigs is completely wiped from the face of the earth.

Back to the documentary. Commentator again, "It could be that someday, this will be a pig's world and we just live in it."

Highly doubtful. Not as long as Wendy's keeps making the Bacon-ater burger and Denny's is still serving up $2.99 Grand Slams with "Moons Over My Hammie". Wild hogs beware. We're hungry, we have guns and we're coming to getcha!

Have a GFD Facebook people!